If you want your kids to be honest with you, don’t punish them when they tell the truth.
It’s as simple as that.
We say we want honesty from our children, but many parents kill that truth in its tracks the moment it’s spoken. How can we expect kids to embrace honesty as a virtue if they get slapped with punishment or judgment every time they open up?
When you punish your kid for being honest, you guarantee they’ll start lying, not just little lies. They’ll lie about anything that puts them at risk. They’ll lie about the small stuff so it doesn’t escalate and start hiding things they should share with you.
Would you be honest with someone who used these forms of control against you?
Loss of Privileges (screen time, things they enjoy)
Timeouts (isolation as a consequence)
Physical Punishment (hitting and spanking)
Threats (taking away something valued)
Shaming (embarrassing or belittling the child)
Excessive Lectures (long, repetitive discussions)
Grounding (restricting social activities or outings)
Interrogation (excessive questioning to extract the truth)
Withholding Love or Affection (emotional abandonment)
The message is clear: truth equals consequences.
Kids treated this way aren’t worried about being honest. They are trying to survive, and lying equals safety. You set that up, and no, it doesn’t make them “good” kids. It makes them kids who don’t trust you, themselves, or anyone else.
Honesty is not just about speaking the truth. It’s a way of living. When your kids understand that being truthful isn’t just about avoiding punishment but about living authentically, standing firm in their values, and owning their mistakes, they’ll grow into adults who lead lives of integrity. The virtue of truth means you don’t just say what’s true, but you become what’s true.
When your child admits they messed up or confesses something they’re afraid to say, that’s the moment you honor. They’re not just telling you the truth. They’re living it. They’re practicing a virtue that will carry them through life. That’s far more valuable than any “good behavior.” The kid who owns his mistakes, speaks openly, and faces the consequences with courage is far more resilient than a kid who’s just trying to be the “good kid” to avoid punishment.
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The problem goes beyond just one child and affects the entire family dynamic.
When honesty is met with physical pain, threats, yelling, or punishment, it creates an environment of deception and mistrust.
Secrets start to pile up, creating emotional barriers between parents and children. Those little, “harmless” secrets become bigger issues that drive families apart and create a bigger disconnect. No one communicates openly; only sharing what they know won’t lead to punishment. Over time, resentment builds, not just in the child but also in the parents. This resentment distorts behavior, beliefs, and values, all from the punishment system and the ongoing push for “good behavior” instead of genuine authenticity.
What’s more dangerous than deception in a home is the fear that fuels it. Parents no longer know if their children are being themselves or if they’ve learned to cover their tracks to avoid consequences. Children don’t trust their parents enough to share what’s happening; no family can thrive like this.
You want your kids to grow up in a home that doesn’t bend the truth to fit convenient narratives. You want them to be able to stand tall in a world full of manipulation and lies. If you punish their honesty, you’re training them to be the person you don’t want them to be. So when they tell the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable, praise it because you’re teaching them that truth is a virtue and not something to hide.
When your child can live honestly in a world that constantly pressures them to lie, you’ll know you’ve given them the greatest gift of all...
The power of truth.
- Anthony
Why I Treat My Children Like Adults Who Are Young.
Whenever I see healthy adults interact, I see a mutual understanding that prioritizes respect, nonviolent energy, and understanding.
In society, I mostly see adults working together to get things done. Again, we do not see adults screaming at one another, slapping each other’s hands, or belittling people.
And so the question then becomes, if that’s how the world works, why don’t we treat our children the same way?
Why aren’t we honest with our children about what they can expect to experience as adults?
If I were to borrow Anthony’s hammer, and I break the head off because I swung too hard and it snapped, do you think Anthony is going to scream at me, pull my pants down, spank me, slap me, and threaten to take my money, and also never allow me to borrow a hammer again?
(Sounds crazy, but how many times have you, or did your parents, lose their minds over a genuine mistake? Broken TVs, baseballs through windows, dents in cars, etc.)
If the above were to happen, I’d go to Anthony and explain to him, “Yo, I broke this, and I apologize for that; I’ll get you the money for it or buy you a new one; just let me know which you’d prefer” and he’d respond, and we’d go along with our lives, still friends, and still sharing tools as needed-
No Harm.
No Foul.
When we choose to be honest with our children, we must grant them the respect and acceptance that they can handle the truth. This is why I say I treat my son and daughter like they’re adults who are young and not “young adults”.
I tell them the truth when I make a mistake.
I answer their questions on death, religion, politics, etc., with honesty, and I make it a point to let them know that no subject is taboo and that they do not need to worry about it because they are kids. They are asking because they are aware it’s better you answer with the truth than they learn some possible lies from others.
I give them the benefit of the doubt like Anthony would for me in the example above: Mistakes happen, and it’s okay.
I hold them to a higher standard, as I know they are more aware and understand the world to “willy nilly” go through life without paying attention.
I do not use intimidation or threats of violence to gain compliance. In the real world, if you do that, you will find yourself getting punched in the face or isolated from the social network because your reputation is one of being an angry prick.
Truth Is Always The Best Choice
When we are honest with our children, we are setting them up to become incredible adults ready to navigate the world without losing time undoing the damaging parenting that created cracks in the foundation of their character.
Be honest with your children about everything, from your failures and mistakes to the larger interactions and topics happening globally.
Don’t forget, “I don’t know, but we can find out together” is an acceptable answer.
You don’t have to be God with all the answers; you are more than allowed to be Mom or Dad figuring it out with their children.
- Zac