Y is for Yearning
Peaceful parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about recognizing the fire in your child’s heart, and choosing to fan, not extinguish it.
Your child may not always know how to say what they need, but they'll show you. And more often than not, what they're showing you is yearning.
Yearning is a deep emotional need for connection, safety, and unconditional love. The problem is most parents don't know how to recognize it.
We're taught to manage behavior, not to understand it. So when our children whine, cry, cling, or act out, we see it as a problem to fix. We tell them to stop, to be quiet, and to toughen up.
That's not leadership or parenting; it's avoidance.
Yearning shows up when a child feels overwhelmed, disconnected, or unsure of where they stand with you. It sounds like, "Do you still love me when I mess up?" It feels like, "Am I safe to be fully myself with you?"
If that yearning goes unmet, it doesn't disappear. It turns into fear, or people-pleasing, or defiance. Over time, it becomes a child who stops coming to you because they've learned they can't trust you.
A child who yearned to be seen but was ignored. A child who yearned to be accepted but was shamed or punished for their emotions. A child who yearned for warmth but got lectures, threats, or cold silence. That child grows into an adult whose nervous system constantly searches for relief.
Most of us grew up this way. We learned to shut down our needs because we didn't want to be a burden. We were told to stop crying, to get over it, and to "act our age." As fathers, we carry the weight of unmet needs we never learned how to name, and it's hard to change that.
The way I parent isn't about letting kids do whatever they want. It's about recognizing that every behavior has a root cause and meeting it with clarity, not control. You can hold a boundary and still hold your child. You can say "no" while saying "I'm here."
When your child is yearning, they don't need a lecture. They need your presence, your calm, and your consistency. You don't have to fix the feeling. You just have to show them they're not alone in it.
This is how we break the cycle.
We stop reacting. We start listening. We stop demanding respect and start earning trust. Because the child who knows his father sees him, hears him, and loves him through it all, that child doesn't grow up chasing validation. He grows up grounded.
Your presence is the answer to your child's yearning.
Not your punishments.
Not your perfection.
Just you.
Here's the powerful truth peaceful parenting understands:
If a child's deep yearnings for love, attention, acceptance, and belonging are met early, they won't need to chase those feelings in destructive places later.
Because they already know what it feels like to be full.
They don't need to get high to feel safe.
They don't need to perform or rebel to feel worthy.
They don't need to numb their shame because they weren't raised in it. They walk into the world with a solid foundation:
"I matter. I'm enough. I'm loved even when I struggle."
That's the difference between a child who grows up emotionally whole and one who spends decades trying to patch a hole with dopamine and self-destruction.
- Anthony
We don’t talk enough about yearning in parenting
We talk about behavior.
We talk about obedience.
We talk about discipline.
But yearning?
That’s a little too human for most parents to handle…
Because once you start acknowledging what your child wants, not what you demand, they become a person with needs, dreams, and drives of their own.
And most parents aren’t ready for that.
Yearning Is Not Rebellion, It’s Humanity
Here’s the truth: Every child yearns for something of their own.
To explore | To connect | To be seen | To be understood
That yearning appears messy, and sometimes it looks like defiance. It sounds like whining and comes through tantrums, questions, and constant “why?”s.
But that fire inside?
That’s life.
That’s their developing identity reaching for oxygen, and when we snuff it out in the name of “being a good parent,” we’re not raising calm kids, we’re raising suppressed children.
What Are They Asking?
When your kid pushes back, they’re not trying to ruin your day - they’re asking:
“Do I have a say in my own life?”
“Can I trust you with my truth?”
“Will you see me, or just want me to behave?”
The job of a peaceful parent isn’t to control yearning; it’s to listen, translate, and channel it because every child is born with a unique internal compass, and your job isn’t to break it, but rather to help them read it.
Control Is Cheap - Connection Is Costly.
Yelling is easier, time-outs are quick, and bribes work…
…for a while…
Parenting through fear kills the relationship, as you might get silence and you might get compliance, but you’re losing trust.
Peaceful parenting takes more time, costs more energy, and demands more of you because it doesn’t rely on fear to gain control; it relies on a relationship to build influence.
And if you don’t honor the yearning now, they’ll chase it elsewhere later through rebellion, toxic relationships, or anything that promises freedom without guidance.
Yearning Grows Character, As Long As You Don’t Kill It First
The kid who asks “why?” may grow up to be the man who questions corruption.
The girl who fights for her voice at eight may one day lead women at 38.
The teen who resists blind obedience may be the adult who refuses to follow broken systems.
But only if their yearning was respected, not punished.
Yearning is the birthplace of self, and when peaceful parents nurture it, they’re not raising brats, they’re raising leaders.
Respect that Fire.
It takes guts to pause instead of punish…
It takes vision to see your child’s longing as a signal, not a threat…
And it takes humility to realize their life isn’t yours to live…
- Zac Small
So the next time your child pushes, pleads, or protests, don’t rush to shut it down.
Ask:
“What is my child yearning for, and how can I help them chase it with dignity?”
That’s where peace begins.
Not in silence, and not in submission, but in seeing the fire, and choosing to protect it.
Behind every behavior is a longing; behind every longing is a child, waiting to be seen, heard, and known.
- Zac