Why Connection Beats Control
A lot of people grow up detached from their families. Not because they wanted to, but because of pain, trauma, and a long-running family tradition called never gonna fix it. Generations pass, the same wounds get handed down, and no one stops to say: “Maybe this isn’t how it has to be.”
When I think of my time on this planet, I don’t want to be the reason this unresolved pain has plagued my family for generations. I want to be the reason they feel solid, secure, and seen. I don’t want to be the fear in their lives. I want to be the foundation. That means working on connection, not control.
I hear from dads who feel like they’re losing. They try to be patient, strong, and good, yet their kids still throw tantrums, talk back, and say mean things. They feel powerless as if nothing they do is enough. I get it because I was stuck in that chaos once, too. You try your best, and still, the kid explodes, cries, and storms off. So you think, “What the hell am I doing wrong?”
“Connection is a child’s deepest need and a parent’s highest influence.” – Lelia Schott
The Truth About Tantrums and Talking Back
Toddlers lose their minds over a banana breaking in half because their brains are still a work in progress. They’re not being manipulative or dramatic; they do not have the mental wiring to handle frustration like an adult.
Then there are the older kids, the ones who argue, the ones who roll their eyes, the ones who slam doors and curse you out. They don’t do it because they hate you. They do it because they’re trying to figure out who they are. If that means testing boundaries, debating, and questioning things, that’s not rebellion; it’s called growing up.
But a lot of parents see this and think, “How do I shut it down?” instead of “How do I guide them through it?” That’s where everything breaks down. When you make it a battle of control, you lose the connection.
"At the root of every tantrum and power struggle are unmet needs." - Marshall B. Rosenberg
Parenting Isn’t About Winning in the Moment
There’s a reason punishments don’t work long-term. The second you rely on fear, threats, or rewards to control behavior, you’re not actually raising a better human. You’re just training them to avoid consequences. What happens when they grow up? The second they think they can get away with something, they will.
Parenting isn’t about control. It’s about being the model for what security, self-respect, and stability look like. Kids don’t need perfection from you. They need to see how to handle frustration without flipping out, stand their ground without becoming cruel, and lead without dominating. That’s what they take with them when they leave. That’s what becomes their foundation.
“The goal of parenting is to create self-sufficient virtues in children. Applying external pressure and punishments tends to teach them fear-based compliance rather than the internalization of moral standards.”
―Stefan Molyneux
The Only Adult in the Relationship
Right now, we’re the only adults in this relationship. That means we set the tone. We don’t get the luxury of throwing tantrums back at them. We don’t get to be unstable and expect them to be solid. We don’t get to retaliate because our feelings get hurt.
Too many parents never make room for their own growth. They expect kids to “get it together” before they’ve done the work themselves.
Our kid’s struggles don’t mean we’ve failed, and our own struggles don’t mean we’re not good enough. What is the difference between the dysfunction we grew up with and what we’re building now?
Our kids aren’t alone in it, and that changes everything.
—Anthony