Love isn’t something we should take for granted or think will happen naturally just because we share a house or the same last name.
Love, the real kind, takes effort, honesty, and respect.
As parents, the relationships we build with our kids lay the foundation for how they’ll relate to the world, themselves, and their future partners.
If we want them to understand love, we must get it right ourselves.
That starts with three principles: freedom, honesty, and self-awareness.
Love Isn’t Control
As parents, it’s easy to slip into the mindset of “I’m the parent, they’re the child, and that’s how it goes.” We sometimes apply the same logic in marriages, too, with a spouse dominating or yielding to avoid conflict and gain acceptance. However, relationships built on control, whether in parenting or marriage, never lead to genuine love. Too many adults are controlled in relationships to feel validated or accepted. They’ve forgotten that being loved shouldn’t require sacrificing their autonomy or true self.
Love in a marriage won’t last if it’s tied to manipulation, guilt, or control. The same applies to our children. If their love is built on fear of punishment or trying to meet your standards, they will eventually understand their emotional health and happiness cannot come from conforming to others’ demands. True love and genuine connection don’t thrive in an environment of constant control and abusive powers. It comes from giving your children respect and freedom, not because you can, but because it’s your responsibility as their guardian.
In our relationships in parenting, our job isn’t to control. It’s to guide, listen, and lead. We need to respect our kids and allow them the space to make their own choices, even if it means watching them fail. They should always know our love isn’t dependent on their behavior or performance; it’s unconditional in every way. The key to strong relationships with our kids is the freedom to grow, fail, and express themselves. When they feel that autonomy and security, they’ll come to trust us more, share with us more, and ultimately become stronger, more confident individuals. That must be the goal of your family.
Honesty Is the Bridge
Love and trust are inseparable, and both are built on a foundation of honesty. If you want to cultivate a strong, enduring relationship with your children, you must be willing to show up as your authentic self. This doesn’t mean burdening them with your adult problems, but it does mean being human with them sharing your feelings and experiences in an age-appropriate way.
If you make a mistake, admit it. If you’re upset or disappointed, explain why instead of just handing out punishments or shutting down emotionally. Kids can spot pretense a mile away. It builds trust when they see that you’re willing to be honest and vulnerable. It also sets the example for how they should handle their own feelings and relationships. This honesty also works both ways. If you want your kids to be open with you, they need to feel safe doing so. This means listening without judgment and giving them the space to express themselves, even if it’s hard to hear sometimes.
You need to be honest about how you treat them.
How can I claim to love my children if the way I treat them is hurtful or neglectful?
Love isn’t conditional or used as a weapon. Yet, punishment does just that: it shifts the blame for a child’s mistake onto them when the real problem was my failure to guide, teach, or communicate effectively.
If my child had the courage to say, “Dad, this hurts. Please stop,” would I continue? Punishment silences that voice, destroying any attempt at connection and filling it with fear.
Some say punishment teaches lessons, but they really want to teach their children discipline.
Discipline is about teaching and connecting, modeling what I want to see in them. It’s about love that builds, not harms. The questions are: “If I love my child, why would I hurt them?” and “If I seek discipline, why choose control over connection?” Answering honestly allows us to stop lying and make honesty our connection to love.
Know Yourself to Lead Them
You can’t teach what you don’t practice. If we’re unaware of our own emotional baggage, we risk passing it on to our kids. They’ll absorb more from watching how we handle stress, anger, or disappointment than from any advice we try to give them.
Taking the time to understand yourself, your childhood, your triggers, and your values let you approach parenting with clarity and intention. It helps you respond to your kids from a place of love, not frustration or unresolved pain. When they see you doing the hard work of self-awareness, they’ll also learn to reflect on their own emotions and choices.
Self-knowledge also gives you the ability to stay steady under challenging moments. Instead of reacting out of habit or frustration, you can respond thoughtfully, showing your kids that love isn’t about controlling or avoiding conflict but about handling it respectfully.
»MAKE SURE YOU’RE FOLLOWING ANTHONY ON X«
Love as a Parent
The love we show as parents isn’t just for today. It’s planting seeds for the kind of relationships our kids will build with themselves and others. If we can model love that respects freedom, thrives on honesty, and grows from self-awareness, we’re giving them the best possible foundation.
Remember, your parenting today will shape your children’s relationships in the future.
As a father, I understand how powerful my love is, and I am constantly working on improving. I often say, “How you parent now will shape your relationship with your children in 20 years.” Think about how this plays out.
Are you taking the steps to build healthy relationships that will have love and connection in the future?
- Anthony
From Struggle to Peace
Growing up, my life wasn’t easy.
My childhood was a battleground where suicide, spanking, fear, and yelling were more frequent than peace.
I didn’t know anything different back then, as, like most kids, I thought that was just how families worked. But deep down, even as a kid, I promised myself that if I ever had children, it would be different…
Fast forward to today.
I’m a dad - and I’m keeping that promise.
Raising my kids has been the greatest love story of my life.
It’s a love that is patient when they make mistakes, listens when frustrated, and stays soft and welcoming even when the world feels hard and cold. My children have taught me that peace isn’t weakness—it’s strength.
They’ve also shown me that my healing wasn’t just something that happened for them; it has also helped me.
There are moments, though, when the past tries to creep in. When I’m tired, stressed, or overwhelmed, I hear the echoes of my childhood telling me to raise my voice or demand control. But I remind myself of something powerful in those moments: I don’t have to repeat what I lived through.
Do you understand how powerful something has to be to override one’s most primal and deeply rooted instincts?
My love for my children was stronger than my childhood conditioning; my love for them is more powerful than anything else on this planet.
Instead of reacting, I take a deep breath, kneel, look them in the eye, and ask what they need; I choose connection over correction and understanding over punishment.
I’m not perfect, but I’m learning.
With every peaceful moment, I break a cycle and build a better foundation—for them and me.
I’ve found this: The peaceful love I didn’t always receive as a child, I’ve found in being a parent. My kids are my chance to rewrite the story of the legacy that I’m a part of. Every hug, laugh, and “I’m proud of you” is a step toward creating the family I always dreamed of.
To any parent out there trying to do things differently, I see you, I am rooting for you, and I am an example that it works…
It’s not easy to break away from what you know, but it’s worth it.
Love doesn’t have to be loud to be strong; peace is the greatest gift we can give our kids—and ourselves.
- Zac
PS: When I wrote this post, a part of my soul lit up. I love talking about my children and my wife, and especially how my life is greater than my childhood dreams. I hope I’m not the only person who can say that, I want the same for you and if you choose to love yourself and your family heading forward, life will be kind.