As a parent, you must accept that not all of your child's problems are your issues to resolve. Trying to “make everything okay” will teach your children that anything but perfection is a problem that must be addressed immediately.
It’s Zac.
I’m writing solo today to address something I had to learn as a dad. This lesson was unique to most of my other advice because it didn’t come naturally. I had to learn to let my children grow up and overcome their negative emotions and experiences.
As a father, I’m in the camp of “Let the kid jump off the rock, and if a knee gets scraped, walk it off...” That parenting style came very naturally; kids are resilient, and I was never afraid of them breaking themselves aside from being very young.
I’m talking about when they’re sad, mad, angry, slighted, jealous, or hurt on the inside type pains; with those, I wanted to try and “fix it” with whatever means I could. The problem with this approach is that it seems like there’s something wrong with feeling that way, and there isn’t.
It’s Okay For Everything to Not be Okay
If your child is struggling with emotions for whatever reason, instead of trying to solve the problem (i.e., make it go away), why not sit back, listen, and invite them to explain how they will navigate their emotions?
Another option is to give them space and let them sulk; in time, they will come to you or figure it out independently. Either way, they’ll come to you if they know you’re going to try and fix it without freaking out and trying to solve it. Sometimes, a parent’s desire to make sure everything is okay in their kid’s life causes problems between parent & child.
We don’t want to cause any damage by trying to find solutions, so it’s important to listen to what our child needs from us and not try to tell them what to do.
Freedom and Emotional Resilience
If we do not allow our children to handle their struggles, we are robbing them of the skills needed to master managing their emotions and interacting with others. If we step in every time something isn’t right; we are conditioning these kids to panic at the first sign of conflict because sadness, anger, hurt, and embarrassment are meant to be stifled immediately “before mom and/or dad freak out. ".
Children can only figure out how to fix their problems when things aren’t okay. Give your children the freedom to learn how to handle less-than-ideal situations. Let them know that you are emotionally controlled enough not to let your protective instinct take charge and remove them from the equation of a solution.
Listen to your kids, and learn to smile as they get hurt, then pick themselves up.
It’s a life skill that will serve them well forever.
- Zac