Guidance isn't about control or dominance. It's not about using force to make a child good.
It's about instilling values and principles.
It's not our job as parents to force our kids into some predefined mold of who we think they should be. Our job is to help them uncover who they are and guide them toward becoming individuals with integrity, purpose, and character.
Guidance isn't the softer way; it's the better way.
Control produces power struggles, constant arguments, and poor self-esteem. It creates helpless children who don't believe in themselves and struggle to understand their needs.
Here are examples of how parents use control instead of guidance:
Imposing Absolute Rules: Establishing strict, non-negotiable rules ("You'll do as I say because I'm the parent.") without explanation or consideration of the child's input.
Using Fear or Threats: Controlling behavior by instilling fear ("If you don't do what I say, you'll be grounded for the day.") rather than teaching the importance of cooperation.
Demanding Obedience: Expecting unquestioning obedience ("Don't ask why, just do it.") without promoting understanding or teaching responsibility.
Overreacting to Mistakes: Punishing mistakes harshly ("Why do you always spill your drink!") instead of helping the child learn how to fix or avoid the issue next time.
Withholding Love as Punishment: Using emotional withdrawal ("I'm not talking to you until you apologize.") to manipulate behavior.
Dictating Every Choice: Not allowing the child any decision-making power, even over small things. ("Do as I say, no discussion.")
Using Rewards as Bribes: Offering treats or privileges ("You'll get ice cream if you behave.") to manipulate rather than teach self-discipline or intrinsic motivation.
Mocking or Criticizing: Using sarcasm or belittling comments ("You'd fail without me.") to control behavior through shame.
Shaming for Mistakes: Using guilt or shame to control behavior ("Why can't you just listen?") instead of framing mistakes as learning opportunities.
If any of those examples are ways you use to parent, you are not guiding your child; you are controlling them. But if you want to be their guide, keep reading.
How Guidance Works:
Lead by Example: Your actions teach louder than your words ever will. Kids don't care what you say if it doesn't match what you do. If you want your kids to grow up with integrity, emotional strength, and accountability, show them what that looks like. Live it! They'll absorb it by watching how you handle life's challenges and how you treat others.
Support Their Autonomy: Kids need the freedom to make choices and learn from them. When you explain the "why" behind a decision instead of just barking orders, you teach them to think critically and take ownership of their actions. That's how they develop responsibility and confidence, not by being micromanaged or over-controlled.
Build Emotional Intelligence: Don't just react to what they do; understand why they did it. Kids need help navigating their emotions, not punishments that shame them for feeling. By guiding them through their frustrations, fears, or mistakes, you teach self-awareness and empathy, which are the foundations of strong character.
Create a System of Principles: Yes, kids need rules. But rules aren't about control; they're about giving your child a structure to understand consequences and make better decisions. When they know the boundaries are there to protect, not oppress, they learn respect for themselves, you, and the values you teach.
Encourage Curiosity and Critical Thinking: Don't hand your kids all the answers. Life's bigger than "do as I say." Teach them to question, explore, and form their own beliefs. By doing this, you're raising someone who can navigate life confidently and clearly, rooted in their principles, not blindly following others.
Guidance is about mentorship over dictatorship and connection over control. You're not just raising a kid who obeys rules but a future adult who carries values they believe in and principles that will help them for a lifetime. The goal is to form bonds built on trust, respect, and shared growth that lasts long after the rules no longer matter.
- Anthony
The Role of Parents in Shaping Lives
The urge to protect and direct our children can sometimes be overwhelming.
I try not to project my experiences onto others, but there are overlaps in our journeys as parents, and this is one of them.
We want the best for our children, so we tell them how to handle the obstacles that will inevitably arise. However, they aren’t us, which we all need to remember.
We often find ourselves at a crossroads, caught between the instinct to shield our children from mistakes and the understanding that experience is a master teacher. But let’s get real here: parenting isn’t about forcing our goals or dreams onto our children.
Parenting is about guiding children to a place where they can handle challenges after being shown how to recognize obstacles in the first place and then develop solutions for getting around, through, over, or under them.
Instead of barking orders at your children as they navigate life's ever-changing and often unpredictable ocean, why not raise great sailors and let them venture to prove themselves on their journeys through life?
Demonstrate how to navigate those rough waters by showing them the techniques instead of dictating their every move.
That’s the heart of parental guidance—instilling confidence and resilience rather than sowing fear and dependence.
Here’s the thing: Every child is unique, a one-of-a-kind soul carving their path in life. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking we know what’s best for them based on our experiences or societal expectations.
But remember, what worked for us may not necessarily resonate with them. Growing up in the 90s, my environment was far different from that of my children, who are doing their thing in 2024. The key to the success I have experienced is found in my wife and I’s decision to foster an environment where our son and daughter can explore their interests, discover their passions, and embrace their individuality.
Think about the power of encouragement versus coercion.
When parents guide with encouragement, they ignite a spark that fuels children’s motivation. They foster creativity and critical thinking, allowing kids to express who they are and what they want from life.
Conversely, forcing a child to adhere to rigid expectations can squash their spirit and turn their dreams into obligations.
Guidance from parents is about empowering children to make choices and to grab the wheel in their lives; it’s not mom or dad steering them with an iron grip.
We live in a more interconnected world than ever, and every child has dreams and aspirations that may differ wildly from our own. Trust me, the last thing we want is for our children to feel boxed in by the expectations we’ve imposed upon them.
Instead, we should be their safe harbor, helping them navigate life’s challenges while allowing them to take risks and learn from their trials.
Setting clear values and boundaries is crucial, but they must be framed within a context of love, understanding, and open communication. When our children know they can come to us without fear of judgment, they’re more likely to reach out during challenging times.
After all, nobody’s perfect, and stumbling is part of the journey; what matters is how they handle the ebb and flow of life.
As parents, our role is to guide, not to govern.
We should be the lanterns in the dark, illuminating our children's paths while allowing them to find their own—however winding—path.
This is how we raise resilient, independent individuals who will one day shine their light in this world as adults, raising the next generation.
Until then, I recommend you relax and enjoy the ride—watching your kids grow and show you who they are will be one of the greatest joys of your life. As tough as a man as I am, this has been one of the more difficult challenges, but I needed to go through it, and it has allowed my children to grow in ways I never would have otherwise been able to provide myself.
Life is an amazing teacher; let your children learn from it as much as they learn from you.
- Zac