Let’s face it: the system is broken.
We’re putting our kids through a meat grinder of stress, competition, and unnecessary pressure, all in the name of “success,” but at what cost?
Grades. Homework. Rewards. Punishments.
We’ve built an education system and parenting strategy prioritizing performance over personal growth. We’ve forgotten what’s really important. Giving kids the freedom to learn, think, and grow without the constant fear of failure hanging over them or dad beating their ass.
The Pressure to Perform: It’s All About the Grades and Approval
From the moment kids enter school, they’re forced into a world where a letter or symbol on a paper measures their worth. The whole point of education becomes about getting the grade, not understanding the material or developing the skills to think critically about the world.
This obsession with grades from parents and teachers sets our kids up for failure. They’re chasing something external: an A, a 100%, a perfect score, or a shiny little star on the chart. They aren’t learning for the sake of learning. Because the system and the parents demand it. The worst part is that kids internalize this, thinking their value as a person is tied to those grades.
Homework: A Second Shift of Stress
Why is there homework?
After a full day of sitting in classrooms, we send our kids home with more work to do.
More pressure.
More stress.
More hours are spent sitting at a desk, plugging away at assignments that only reinforce the idea that learning is a chore, not an opportunity. Unfortunately, this creates conflict in the home. Mom and Dad are told homework is good for their child and believe it without questioning the narrative.
Even worse is they will physically and emotionally harm their child for not completing homework. This creates an environment where family time, connection, and play are secondary because there are arbitrary rules you must follow, or you will be punished.
“The best learning takes place when children are playing, not when they are being taught.”
— Peter Gray
Kids don’t need more stress on top of a long school day. They need time to play, rest, be creative, and explore the world in a way that doesn’t feel like an endless series of tasks they’re forced to check off at the expense of satisfying other people.
“Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children, play is serious learning.”
― Fred Rogers
Parents: Fearful and Power Hungry
As parents, our own fears of our kids not succeeding make us do things we shouldn’t, undermining their growth and threatening to take away screen time or privileges because of bad grades and using physical punishment or bribing them to perform like circus animals.
This isn’t discipline.
It’s control.
We do this because we’re afraid and scared.
We fear they will fail.
But all we’re really doing is teaching them that their worth is tied to performance. We’re setting them up to think that everything in life is transactional, making them lose sight of the value of learning itself.
A Better Way: Respect, Freedom, and Trust
Instead of controlling them, let’s start guiding them to healthier routines. Let’s teach our kids that their worth comes from effort and curiosity, not grades. Let’s stop using fear and control as discipline tools. We need to encourage them, trust them, and let them grow into the people they’re meant to be without the stress, pressure, or fear of not measuring up.
It’s time to let go of the fear driving our decisions. It’s time to stop using our kids as pawns in our own power struggle with the system. Instead, give them the space to learn and grow, knowing their value isn’t tied to how they perform for others but to their love of learning and ability to enjoy playing in the world.
And can we stop abusing our kids for not getting their homework done?
- Anthony
From a Teacher’s Perspective
When I pitched this topic to Anthony, I knew full well that my position as a teacher in public schooling could be looked at as “being a part of the problem”, but I do not see it in that light.
Some teachers were born to teach; I was built to teach, and thus, I am equipped with protection from institutionalization.
I did not enter teaching out of a childhood dream to run my classroom; I was a horrible student from all metrics:
Bad grades
Bad attitude
Several fights
Multiple suspensions
These issues began in elementary school, where I spent more time in the principal’s office than at recess. Then, in Middle School, I was sent to the “Scared Straight” program by my parents and school in an attempt to get a glimpse of what my life would be like if I didn’t get it together: Five years in high school with more fights, suspensions, and failed grades later, it was clear that not only did that approach not work but I was never cut out to be a part of this machine.
Yet, here I am, Teaching Middle School Social Studies.
I hated everything about school growing up, and it wasn’t until I joined the military (after 5 years in high school) that I realized I wasn’t stupid; I was misdiagnosed.
School judged me on my ability to swim with the other kids, like a school of fish, sticking together. The problem was that I wasn’t a fish; I was a monkey, and if I had been judged on how well I could climb, I’d of been a genius child.
This awareness, which came later in life, was added to the memories of my youth, and I vowed never to do that to my children.
I do not care about my children’s grades.
I do not care about their behaviors in school.
I do not care about their inability to “fit in” with the routines.
(Side Note: My children are A/B Honor Roll/on the line every quarter; funny how that works)
And this is the lesson I want to pass on to you.
I grew up in a household where there was stress, pressure, fear, and intimidation around school work and performance; it did nothing positive for me - zero.
You do not need to take that approach:
It’s okay to let go and stop worrying that your child will not succeed if they do not get the grades society has told you they need. It’s far more important to ensure your home is filled with connection, peace, communication, support, awareness, and an effort to live your best lives together.
A child in a loving home, knowing they are supported, will do much better in life than one in a stressful environment who gets A’s.
I enjoy teaching; I appreciate my students who are forced to leave their warm homes to sit in my classroom, doing their best to tolerate the annoyance that comes with anything in life that is compulsory.
As I said, I was built for this, not born for it. I see the students for who they are, I see those who challenge the system, and I never forget who I needed when I was in those shoes. I often see those pushing against the system as the brightest minds; they question everything because that’s what smart kids do, and we should never “discipline” that out of them.
I also enjoy the other teachers, and staff I work with and believe they want what is best for every child they teach.
What I have an issue with is the pressure that is placed on children, a pressure created by obscure metrics that force children who do not belong in a classroom to sit there and believe there is something wrong with them for not wanting to be chained to a desk, and cycled through an assembly line of subjects where after a set period of time, you must forget the last one to learn the next one.
Humans were not meant for 8 hours a day/40 hours a week, of sitting and being told what to do, how to talk, what is important, and how compliance is best for success in the real world.
The real-world is the best teacher, and in that world, you can be anything you want to be; kids need less school to get smarter, not more.
Parents,
Your children aren’t “good students” for getting your desired grades; they’re compliant ones who can conform and regurgitate information.
Do not worry about grades, do not worry about homework, and do not worry about how others will view you for disregarding the notion that “My child in an honor roll at x, y, z” bumper stickers are somehow a flex.
Your kid has A’s?
Cool.
My child is stress-free and happy (I should make that a bumper sticker).
What happens at school should be supplementary to what happens in the home.
Focus your efforts there; put energy into connecting with your children, educating them on life, and making sure they feel seen, heard, and not judged for their performance at the assembly line of public education.
Don’t get mad at grades; don’t stress about homework, and forget about ranking your child’s success on letters - get to know them, love them, and work in the world with them. You will be amazed at what these kids can do when they’re allowed to dive into the world they want and not the ones they are forced into. They’ll show you where their natural talents are, and in doing so, you’ll see that “bad student” become the brightest part of your life.
I look forward to the discussions around this one.
- Zac