Today’s post is based on this video:
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Some would say it’s mean to allow your child to experience pain through making mistakes. These parents do everything for their children so they won’t get hurt or disappointed.
Some would say it’s irresponsible if you don’t impose consequences on your child, and they will make the same stupid mistakes over and over again. However, both parents would argue that the other is responsible for the problems with the “kids these days.”
Parenting has become as polarized as a political debate. Coddling on one side, punishment on the other, with massive tension in between. Coddling parents rush to protect their children from discomfort, insulating them from every bump and bruise, both physical and emotional. Punishing parents demand submission through fear, using control to enforce compliance, and making their child a better person.
These approaches seem like opposites, but both center on the parent’s need for control, whether that means controlling the environment (coddling) or the child’s behavior (punishment). Neither strategy promotes independence. Instead, both keep children dependent, fearful, and unsure of their own abilities.
Coddling tries to achieve control through excessive protection and indulgence. It shields children from discomfort, risk, and failure. Every scraped knee is a crisis, and every challenge is a problem to fix. While this may seem nurturing, it silently communicates to the child that they cannot navigate the world independently.
Punishment, on the other hand, uses fear and authority to enforce compliance.
The parent demands obedience and inflicts harsh consequences for any deviation from expectations.
While the child may appear disciplined in the short term, the future develops a child unable to face adversity. They become so afraid of failure and upsetting dad or mom that they hesitate to take risks or think for themselves.
I let these lessons naturally play out in my home. When my daughters were younger, there was zero panic on my end about what could happen. If they were doing something “dangerous” and got hurt, I checked if they were okay and let them figure out what they could do better next time.
I wanted them to understand they need to take more precautions next time without me saying, “Be careful!”
When my son told me the truth about a mistake that cost me time or money, I didn’t punish him. I didn’t give him a lecture and demand obedience. We talked through it, and I remained calm. Was I ever tempted to control or shield them? Of course, I didn’t let that temptation win because I’d built myself up prior, learning to manage my own worry, stress, and need for control.
This is where being honest matters.
You can’t fake calm and stability when you’re a mess inside. Parents who don’t prioritize inner work end up controlled by anxiety, micromanaging, or punishing to mask their fear. It’s clear that you’re not fully prepared, and it reflects in your behaviors and actions. This not only impacts you but also influences your children. But when you’ve put in the work, you raise kids who are bold, confident, and ready for anything life throws their way.
“Punishment is control through fear, and coddling is control through manipulation.”
- Anthony Migliorino
Both are failures in the long run. When your kids know they are loved, neither one is necessary. Love builds trust and confidence, not fear or dependency.
- Anthony
Put the Guardrails Down
You know when you go bowling, and you can keep the rails up to prevent your kid from getting a gutter ball?
Do you know that inevitably, there will come the moment when someone finally says, “It’s time for the kids to bowl without the safety net.”?
No matter what color those guardrails are, they’re devices used to prevent a child from experiencing failure. Now, whether they’re black, pink, or camo, it makes no difference; the guardrail is the guardrail, and that’s how I see controlling parents.
Mothers and fathers say, “We have the rules to instill discipline and keep our children from hurting themselves or getting into trouble.”
Yeah, see, that’s what I mean by painting the guardrails.
Your control over your child, no matter what you call it, is there for you to keep them from experiencing failure. How exactly is that preparing them for adulthood, where there are no rules and no guardrails to be found?
Pain Is An Excellent Teacher
I do not want children dying, but there’s nothing wrong with letting them push limits and getting hurt in the process.
You’re afraid your child will smoke, drink, or do drugs, so you lock down any possibility of it happening (which is damn near impossible), when instead, you could talk to your children about smoking, drinking, and doing drugs so they are informed on why they won’t make that choice.
A child who chooses not to partake in drugs and alcohol is better off in life than the one who was shielded from ever experiencing an environment where those things may be present.
The child in the video above, who couldn’t help but want to put things into the socket, is far better off shocking himself once than getting spanked whenever he wants to; he is afraid to do it, but he never learns why.
It’s okay for your children to go out into the world and face some of the challenges that will be ever-present, whether you like it or not. I can tell you from personal experience the individuals who do the best are both book-smart and street-smart.
You’ve got to let your child get some real-world experiences, free of the cushioned corners and safeguards disguised as rules and challenges;
Let your sons and daughters get some life experiences to build up that “street” side of them. Books, family discussions, and school develop their understanding, but nothing teaches the way hands-on failure and success do.
The rules you’ve set, like chores and limiting time with friends, may be based on the notion that “It will make them tougher”. But how will your controlled environment be tougher than what they’ll face the rest of their lives when they aren’t under your thumb?
Overly controlling parents don’t protect their children; they fight for them by doing all they can to prevent fights from ever occurring.
A child who has never been punched in the face does not know how to take a hit; they avoid confrontation at all costs and will fail the test if/when confrontation is inevitable.
Don’t set your children up for failure. Let go of the leash and let them run free to learn how the world works.
- Zac